June 19, 2015 by steelcitymama
It’s 4:00 am and I’ve been awake for two hours just trying to fall back to sleep but my mind is all over the place. I can’t seem to understand how some days are so immensely challenging and I just want to make it to bedtime and then I wake up in the middle of the night missing you, seriously longing for your sweet smile, yet you are fast asleep and the sound of your soft breathing comforts me. How amazing you are. Simply, the most awesome and wonderful thing I have ever seen and I can’t believe you are my sweet baby boy. I love our mornings when you wake up in the best mood and get super close to me and just laugh. Your laugh is the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. And when we go run errands and we talk the whole time, even though I have no idea what you are really saying. I love how you look up at me from your carrier with such a pure innocence. It literally melts my heart. And once bath time comes, you are so adorable splashing around and reaching for all your toys. I love wrapping you up in a big fluffy towel and just hugging you right after your bath.
You are only nine months, yet for me I don’t understand how you are NINE WHOLE MONTHS. It has flown by so fast, though the trying moments have sometimes felt like an eternity. And then those exacts moments I long for when they are over and the day has passed and you are sound asleep. I just want to do them over and make sure I didn’t miss anything. Any opportunity to try one more thing to soothe you a different way until you’re happy again and I feel a wonderful sense of accomplishment knowing I helped comfort you when you needed me. I know you won’t always need me (though luckily right now I don’t know what that feels like) and I’m desperately trying to keep these moments though time keeps on slipping by.
Motherhood is totally different than I could have ever imagined. Never could I explain how this is the most rewarding yet difficult thing I’ve ever done. And I know saying that, everyone wants to tell me of how things will change and get more difficult in different phases of a child’s life. I get it. Things will change even when they don’t feel like they will. Right now, I am just content in finding my place in this moment and hope that I am a better mommy to you as each new day comes. That will never change.
As a mom, I’ve felt a whole new wave of insecurity wash over me as the job I’m doing every moment of each day is the most important one I’ll ever do, and with that level of importance, doubt definitely creeps in. I just pray that I do the very best I can with you each day so that you feel completely and totally loved and secure above all, yet also comfortable to explore the world with your own eyes and feelings. I pray you know that I will always love you no matter what you do or what happens in our lives.
You are my little blessing. And as I just listen to your sweet breathing and long for you to wake up and start another day, I just reflect on how lucky I am to be your mommy. I love you sweet baby boy!